The Parents’ Guide to Swearing


For those of you that know me, you know I love to swear. So much so, that Wildman started saying “shit” at a year old. He even showed off this skill to his pediatrician at his 12-month checkup.

While there’s something so satisfying about yelling a cuss word to express frustration or displeasure, it was then I knew needed to clean up my language. Now that he’s days away from two, he repeats everything. Seriously, his latest favorite word is “b-hole.” His favorite phrase to utter? “Hot poops.” I have no idea how he learned these. But I digress…

If you, like me, love profanities, here are some of my favorite replacements. They’re almost as fun to shout as the real thing. Almost. Some make sense as replacements, while others are just fun to say.

  1. Nasty (re: don’t be nasty) = an asshole
  2. Horse tails = bullshit
  3. Holy guacamole = Holy shit
  4. Oh shucks = SHIT!
  5. Little stinker = Little shit (yes, we all think our kid is being one at some point in the week)
  6. Dumbledore = Fuck
  7. Baba ganoush = What the fuck?!
  8. Get out of town = Fucking stop
  9. Geez = God
  10. Cheese and Rice = The good ol’ JC (if your partial to that) ** While we don’t ever really say the real phrase, nor do some consider this a swear, but this one is courtesy of the TV-version of Wedding Crashers, and just sounds funny.

How do you get away with swearing in front of your little ones?


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